Happy 4th of July!

Today is a great day for me, and a horrible day for me....while I am sure that doesn't make any sense to most, for me it is a day of great inner turmoil.

3 years ago today, my dear aunt Renea' passed away from Cancer. I was there with her by her side in her final moment. I was also there by her side for the whole week proir doing hospice care in her final days. It was by far the most overwhelming thing I had done in my entire life, but also the most beautiful, if that makes any sense at all. After her death, I went through a range of emotions, a bout of depression and just general feelings that I didn't know what to do with. Cancer scared me. The next year, again on July 4th, my uncle Bob Schultze passed away due to cancer. We had been blessed as a family to spend time with him shortly before his death, and celebrate his life with him. Again, incredible moving and overwhelming. I was again touched in such a deep place. I can't explain to you all how I felt, and how I begun to despise the 4th of July.

Last year, when I was diagnosed with cancer, I was stunned, scared and overwhelmed. I had seen first hand how evil cancer is, and how it takes a life so very quickly, and often horrifically. Now, newly diagnosed, I faced what I FELT was my reality. I was number three. I was POSITIVE I was going to live, but only until July 4th. As irrational as that sounds to most, to me it was an awful truth. I was in active chemo at the time, and had faced differant infections off and on. I knew my end date. July 4th, 2008. As the saying goes, things happen in three's. I was to be number three for our family. I KNOW for some this seems like a "drama queen" feeling...but for me, it was all to real. In fact, I grew depressed and faced anxiety issues in the weeks preceding July 4th. I started to think I needed to "prepare" my children. Have things set in place for them...It was so bad, that my mom and dad, sister and brother in law, as well as the Knutsen's (my aunt, uncle and cousins) came down to spend the day with me...to show me that I would indeed live and be ok. I was not convinced....BUT, obviously, the day came and went...and I am still here today. Alive, maybe not always well, but alive at that.

The reason I share all of this with you today is that as I woke, I felt a mix of emotions...I felt such incredible gladness to be alive...to have broken the vicious circle of cancer deaths in our family. I felt truly BLESSED that God has allowed me to spend more time with my family. There is no way to describe how overwhelming that is. But I also feel sorrow and sadness, or loss...I MISS my aunt and uncle. I know first hand how their immediate family feels with them being gone, and I KNOW how I felt, knowing (thinking) I was going to leave mine. There is no way to prepare for that. I only pray that the Knutsens and Schultzes all KNOW, beyond a shaddow of a doubt that Renea' and Bob are in the most incredible place of all....they are home, seated with their Father, who takes great delight in them always, and their pain is gone, disease has no home in them, and they are always with us, in our hearts and minds.

I am grateful today...JOYFUL, that I can be here to share this with you, and hope that you embrace all around you today...Remember to tell EVERYONE how much you love them, and tell YOURSELF.

Happy 4th of July. Be safe!

Julie